Author: Ann Goodpasture

I recently saw a social media post from fayeplunkettpeirce with some advice that I have begun practicing. She suggests naming your brain to establish a relationship beneficial to your emotional health. Her advice is to talk to your brain before getting out of bed to set up intentions for the day (at least that’s the message I got.) I named my brain Gladys after a step grandmother who  was abrasive and cold-hearted. Nope, I didn’t like her. So, as Faye suggests, I talk to Gladys to keep intrusive thoughts from the dark side on notice that today is not the day for that.

I talked to Gladys a lot today. First, there was bad news about the health of a dear friend. Gladys thought I should go back to bed and cuddle my Cavapoo Betty and pretend I was still at the beach. Right off the bat I told Gladys that we weren’t doing that today. That I was making a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish and  would try to get most of them done.  Walk the Dog was first on the list.  That is something I do first thing every morning any way and gave me the opportunity to strike something off the list early on. I win.

Gladys kept trying to distract me all day:

–By wanting me to cuss out all the bad drivers on the road and get my BP flying high. At the next stop light Gladys and I had a chat. Listen here, Gladys, I’m not going there today so back off.  And the guy behind me in his fancy-ass Tesla can also back off.

–By trying to put me in a dark place of self pity because my BFF is going out of town for 3 MONTHS. I gave Gladys a few minutes to adjust her attitude. I told her this could be an opportunity to reach out to people I like but don’t make time for because I’m always in cahoots with this friend. Good cahoots, mostly.

–By distracting me from spending time playing in my art room. Gladys barks at me to do stuff like wash the stupid Corkcicles (why can’t they go in the daggone dishwasher?) They pile up until there are no clean ones available and I have to buy more. At least more of the wine glass style. But I got the best of Gladys on one of the items on my List today. Last week at the beach I created some collages that I thought were fun and cool. (By the way, don’t ask your husband for his opinion of your creations.  You’ll want to smack him silly. Just like Gladys. She usually tells me my stuff is crap.) The task was to mat and frame two of the things I worked on from an online class. I got as far as measuring and placing an Amazon order for frames. Another win. Here are the pieces I measured!

This one was from a fun class by an artist that I haven’t been able to find again on YouTube. The substrate is a small cardboard box from a local donut shop. I cut up a children’s book to make the shapes. It is a book I recommend. Maybe not to cut up but to enchant a small child with the illustrations. “The Imaginaries – Little Scraps of Larger Stories” by Emily Winfield Martin.

The second piece started out as just a mish mash of my handmade papers torn into bits of shades of blue and blue-green. Then I went on a walk on the beach and found all kinds of natural treasures washed up on the sand. I gathered as many as I could hold in both hands and took them home for fodder. Note to self – using Krazy Glue instead of a glue stick is not recommended. My fingers stayed glued together until my husband came home and got out the acetone.

There is one area that Gladys is especially good at – WORRYING. And I’m usually not able to convince her to stop because everything I worry about doesn’t happen.  So that’s a good thing, right? There’s a Chinese proverb I love: “That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this can prevent.”  Too often I have nests in my nests.

The dog ate a hearing aid. Will it kill her? Lithium battery recovered.

The dog ate my retainer. This sounds like a 13 year old’s excuse for a lost appliance. What actually happened is I had some kind of violent dream about my mouth and I ripped my retainer out in the middle of the night. No dog in her right mind would pass up chewing such a personal item from her owner. If she hid it like she does other forbidden stolen items, I can’t find it in the usual spots. And I don’t know how long it takes for a bougie designer dog to poop out a 3” piece of plastic.

And I wonder, is there a reason to replace the retainer? I paid about $300 for it 10 years ago.  I’m sure with tariffs it’ll cost a lot more now. How fast do teeth go back to hiding behind each other? I’m 80. Can I count on 5 to 10 more years of straight (ish) teeth without the retainer that has been around the world with me.  Gladys is really fussing with that one and I can’t get her to stop nagging about calling the dentist

UPDATE: The cleaning person found the retainer on the floor behind the toilet. I can’t describe the look on her face when she told me. I had no explanation.

Speaking of China (see above), I forgot to tell Gladys to not let me order any more stuff from Instagram. Five days ago I clicked on a picture of a cute dress labeled Nordstrom Clearance. It was a great price so I clicked to order one. I immediately saw the receipt was from highsilence.com based in Hong Kong. Right away I checked the terms and conditions on the website and read that if you cancel before the order is shipped they will issue a refund. Within 5 minutes I emailed their customer support and said I wanted to cancel the order and they could verify the time stamp of my email and see that the dress could not possibly have shipped in 5 minutes. Five emails back and forth they denied my request for various reasons. Today, 5 days later, they notified me that the order has been shipped from Scotland (what the what?) and if I don’t like the dress I can return it and get a refund by mailing it to HONG KONG at my expense. Wanna bet the cost to return it would be far higher than what I paid for the dress? In about 3 months I’ll receive my cheap polyester dress after it’s been held up in Scotland and US Customs for a long time.

Of course, most people might see the site name right at the top of the ad. I only zeroed in on NORDSTROM CLEARANCE.

I’ve got to have a serious talk with Gladys about this. But will she ever learn? I’ll keep trying. I won’t give up on talking some sense into Gladys.

Bless her heart.

The first hint of COVID, 3 years ago now, I burrowed into my nest, determined not to expose myself or my family to this new virus. I was first in line when the vaccine and its boosters arrived. I was going to re-enter the world shielded like a Viking off to pillage.

This year we felt safe booking a “luxury” tour to the five National Parks in Utah. We’d managed to escape the Vid this long so we must have super immunity. God knows, we’d been exposed enough times.

To me a luxury tour is one that does not involve a Holiday Inn Express. My idea of camping is a Holiday Inn Express. We booked with one of our favorite companies and swore we would wear masks all the way. This was a “coach” tour. A “coach” is a bus, I don’t care how you dress up the name. A nice bus – comfy seats, lovely toilet, water bottles at our seat every day, with expansive windows for the view – but still a bus with people sitting less than two feet from you in front and behind.

Did we wear masks? Nope. Nobody else did so we figured they all had inside info that there was no virus among us. The first couple of days I didn’t even think about getting sick. Partly because I was otherwise worrying about random stuff that could happen. And it did. Day 3 I tripped getting off a raft onto the dock. Face first with knees right behind scraping the wood dock. Young Christian, who had been our river guide, looked like he had never seen a 77 year old woman splat like that. The old ladies coming after me got Christian’s best grips. I have an accident on every trip and it was good to get it out of way early on and not require a hospital visit.

The day before that our foursome of desert adventurers got lost in Arches National Park. It looked like we were on a path, but a path is really hard to determine in shifting sand. We wandered around for 30 minutes or so, didn’t see anyone else from our group and the bus/coach had moved on to the meeting point. It’s HOT in the desert, but the good news is I didn’t sweat one drop. The other good news is that we found the bus/coach in time to catch a ride back to the ranch.

Moving along to my starting point (!) which is Covid: one member of the couple who sat either behind or in front of us every time we were traveling in the bus/coach started coughing. A little. Then a lot. The next day the tour director announced that two members of our group were leaving the tour because of testing positive for Covid. I figured we were doomed. And we were.

On the flight home I was experiencing a sore throat. I wore my mask “just in case.” We were reunited with our luggage at the Orlando airport baggage claim. You see, on a “luxury” tour you never have to handle your luggage. It magically follows you everywhere and appears faithfully in your room each evening. When the suitcases rolled off the belt in Orlando I felt like someone had just handed me a foster child that I hadn’t asked for and now had to care for. Plus I was, by this time, obviously sick and didn’t have the strength to deal with the 50 pounds of souvenir t shirts stuffed in the bags. Fortunately, there are “people” who can help with that right up until you retrieve your car from long term parking.

Testing positive that night I crawled into bed for three days and only came up for chicken soup provided by friends and family. Our increasingly sick old dog lay beside me for all that time. At one delirious point I walked the dog in my nightgown – which I found out about later.

When I started feeling better I sat with John to watch a Geneva High School football game on YouTube – Vikings vs Panthers. Seeing “Panthers” written on the grassy field reminded me of the first Knock Knock joke I ever heard. So the following sequence took place, himself in recliner, me curled on couch:

Me: “Knock, knock.”

Him: Silence

Me: “Knock, knock”

Again silence

Me: “KNOCK, KNOCK, GODDAMMIT!”

Him: skips a beat, then “WHO’S  THERE

Me: “Panther”

Him: “Panther who?”

Me: “Panther what I wear, what do you wear?”

Absolute silence from the recliner, while I am hysterically laughing, high on NyQuil.

Me: “What the hell took you so long to answer my knocks?”

Him: “In 40 years of marriage you have never knock knocked me. I wasn’t expecting it.”

Now that’s how to keep the zing in a relationship.

Four or five years ago a small group of friends discovered a common interest – writing – and formed a weekly writing group. The only other thing we had in common was the love of bacon. Crispy bacon. The kind of bacon that lays absolutely flat on the plate with no bubby gristle eyes staring up. What’s that got to do with writing? Not much except we found the perfect bacon at a little place called Café Linger; a place that also had a table big enough to hold us four women and our laptops and Ticonderoga pencils and other tools of the trade, and they didn’t care if we stayed all morning.

The first thing we had to do was pick a name for our club. Oh, we came up with some good ones, but most of them couldn’t be spoken aloud in fine company. “Word Nerds” seemed safe and appropriate. All four of us love words:  their origin, their meaning, their use. We set rules at first.  Be on time, limit chat time to 30 minutes, share the chocolate chip cookie.

Since the beginning we have bent the rules on occasion. We allow time to discuss personal crises, gripes, plots of our favorite streaming series and naturally, books. If discussion gets out of control the boss will reign us all back in. Thank goodness we have someone who can do that without offense. And we appreciate being directed back to our stated task.

Two of the women have published work. One (I’ll call her Ms. X) is working on a mystery that she better finish before I lose my marbles. I have even saved a space on my bookshelf for her book in progress. Frankly, she was not happy with the space I saved – between a WWII epic and a book by right wing political commentator Bill O’Reilly “Who Killed…” book (kidding!!). Ms. X has been excused from bacon in the last couple of years. After a fight with cancer she has gone vegan. In my mind there is no such thing as vegan bacon. She doesn’t even seem to miss it – which I completely do not understand. Have to say she looks good without consuming bacon. Has the skin of 30 year old. I hate her.

Another woman (Ms Y) has a blog that is geared toward women 60+. Even though I’m in the ++ stage, “Be Brave Lose the Beige” always strikes a chord with me and, unfortunately, often finds me as a bad example of something or other. Friend Y has written a book that will be published/released (also called “Be Brave Lose the Beige) next Spring. Get in line now to buy it because it’s gonna be a best seller. You should see the cover – amazing colors. And the author photo on the back flap is worth the price of the book. I didn’t even know Annie Leibowitz was in town. I have not yet been asked to write a blurb, so there’s that.

Friend Z has the best giggle of the gang. Every meeting it is my goal to make her laugh out loud. She is a deep thinker who asks probing questions and writes poems that are of the moment and from the heart. I think she is the spiritual soul of the group. Ms. Z values connections and reminds us to be thoughtful and caring and loving. I have a long way to go but I appreciate the hippie vibes she sends out.

I entered this group cautiously because what I do is write an occasional blog when I feel particularly moved by something. In my mind I have a NYT-length list of subjects I’d like to write about. Lately I’ve taken an interest in creating mixed media abstract art in a journal. Mostly I like to go to Sam Flax and buy stuff.  Do you know how many cool markers there are out there?!  And paints? Neon paint – I love it!!  Even with my latest fetish, my friends still let me attend Word Nerds. Actually, they can’t let me leave.  I know too much.

Three besties meet about once a month at our favorite Einsteins Bagel Co. to debrief and share our joys, sorrows and frustrations. Usually, these gatherings happen when one of us has a crisis and needs support. Once we start describing our frustration or crisis the conversation evolves into quiet weeping or hysterical, spit-flying laughter. Or both. Today was one of those “both” days.

Friend A’s husband is in serious medical trouble which led to two ER visits, several doctor visits and a lot of hassle – still unresolved.  We figured the best way to fix that is to lay all the facts on the table and have three untrained, non-medical, Google-fired women to come up with a solution. The “situation” is a catheter that’s been in place for over a week. Yes, that kind of catheter. For various reasons, they are unable to find anyone to remove the device. Turns out a little Google search has all the info one needs to remove a catheter. The planning begins. Ten minutes into the technical discussion we realize this is a really poor idea. We read that there could be a balloon up there on the inside end of the tube.  How about Friend A pops the balloon (with a hypodermic needle – which we all have lying about, right?) and yanks the tube out. Nah. We’re thinking Friend A’s husband would have to be knocked unconscious with a cast iron frying pan to accomplish this rescue. The eventual decision is to spend the rest of Saturday in a chilly ER in hopes a trained professional can help.

The natural segue to that health problem led to Friend B’s fever blister.  Of course, when a friend sits down for breakfast with an obvious fever blister no one wants to bring it up. Perhaps it’s NOT a fever blister. Maybe she attempted to tweeze out a wild hair near her lip. Maybe she gnawed her lip in anxiety about her head shot for her book cover. Maybe it actually IS herpes and who wants to even whisper that word in Einstein’s where the tables are close enough for any germ to hop aboard. Resolved when Friend B brings up the fever blister on her own when she expresses gratitude to the head shot photographer who is a Photoshop genius. Whew.

Friend C (who could that be?) texted A and B last night showing a photo of her sad face as she pulled away from saying goodbye to oldest granddaughter who is headed to college the next day.  Why am I more emotional than her mother?!  When we dropped her mother off at college I sobbed hysterically all the way home. I mean gasping, hiccupping, out loud ugly crying.  With both daughters, actually.  My husband swears the second one was worse. I have blocked most of the memory, but know it was about the $20 spending money I meant to give her before leaving town and forgot.

So now I am one step removed from the separation and here I am — a mess again.  This is where group problem solving is a big help.  Any major progression in the life of a grandchild means we are another step closer to …. you know.  I’m a healthy 77 year old who is upright, oriented as to time and place (mostly), and hope to live many more years.  But the years are measured in events that I can’t control. 

First the AARP card at 50. Fifty?! Really, that’s practically a teenager. Then the Social Security and retirement money starts rolling in. Right. Doesn’t matter how much you planned there is never enough. Then the body parts start to scream their presence. I never heard of an SI joint until mine started telling me it’s precise location. Daily. I’m waiting to discover which part wants to add to my knowledge next. From watching my friends’ experiences I suspect it’s a knee or hip.  You just aren’t a cool 70+ year old unless you’ve had a knee, hip or shoulder replaced.  Oh, and cataract surgery.

Here’s another thing. We really do want to adapt to change, but it’s hard.  Take recycling. One friend went to visit an extreme eco-conscious family member in, where else, Seattle!  The recycling scheme in this house involves many bins for collecting specific items:  food scraps, bottles, plastic, paper.  Even one bin just for paper receipts.  Separate from the regular paper bin.  Friend got so nervous that she would mess up that she collected all her personal trash in a bag and kept it in her suitcase to carry home. Imagine that TSA agent inspecting her luggage.

Oh. And one last story that came up today. The accidental boob shot. .Getting out of the shower Friend Anonymous went to grab her phone, touched the wrong button which simultaneously took a photo of her boob and sent it to her cleaning lady. There is no way to explain that to a non-English speaking person. This was our loudest laugh of the morning and the perfect time to go our separate ways and collect stories for the next time. 

The point is, when we share our stories and embarrassing moments, it lightens us.  We leave these Saturday get-togethers  breathing a little easier.  Feeling not so damn stupid. Or at least feeling we have comrades-in-stupid.

In my little world the Covid vaccine has made my life more “normal.”  I feel guilty saying that as India suffers devastating losses every day and in some areas of the US thousands of cases are still reported every day. My “world” is pretty small and I’ve been cautious about where I go and who I’m with, but I’m able to do lots more than I was at this time a year ago.

So why am I in a funk?  It’s not an easy feeling to describe – the word malaise works. Generally, I don’t feel like doing anything. There are days when I read and doze, wander the house, sit and stare, avoid social contact, work jigsaw puzzles, and look forward to an early bed time.

I have a standing walking date with a friend three days a week at Lake Lily (below). Because someone else counts on me being there I force myself to show up. Thank goodness for that. The company of my walking partner gives me an opportunity to get out of myself for 45 minutes, or 5,200 steps, whichever comes first!

I’ve Googled “chronic fatigue” and other illnesses I imagine might cause this lack of emotional and physical energy. It would be easier to have a physical condition (other than ageing) to blame.

Why am I longing for life as it was a year ago? I did not leave the house for weeks. When I did venture out the roads were deserted. It was eerily quiet out in the world. Because all my obligatory volunteer work was canceled I felt no guilt about staying home. No guilt about spending two hours reading. Life was simplified.

Online ordering became my favorite activity. The one person I could count on visiting me everyday was the Amazon delivery person. I discovered Etsy and the endless fabric shops that curated bundles of fabric for me. My interest in quilting was revived. I bought and sewed, and bought and sewed, and then bought and stored. The quiet visual and tactile pleasure of sorting  and touching each length of fabric was soothing. Now I have a fun fabric collection and have lost my oomph for sewing. I have completed quilt tops galore and they are hanging in my “to be finished” closet. So many of the projects I wanted to complete during pandemic lock down (photo sorting, closet purging, kitchen reorganization) are still undone and I feel like an underachiever.

I am dealing with a case of the “blues.”  I can now go to restaurants, hug my friends, be with my kids and grandkids – and yet I feel myself withdrawing more and more. The kids have hugely successful and chaotic lives of their own (wasn’t that our goal?). The grandkids are now the independent teens that we still think our kids are.

Our writing group began meeting again in person a few weeks ago. Guess what? I’m not the only one feeling this sense of disorientation, lack of energy, desire to isolate, funkiness. Gloominess.  The desire for gray, rainy days as an excuse to stay inside.

I do believe this is a temporary condition. I know there is a way out of this feeling of inertia. There was a hint of optimism yesterday when I returned to the sewing machine for a few hours.  I forced myself to stay away from my napping spaces. I watched my son-in-law try a court case that was streaming online. I was the 13^th juror and felt so engaged that I wanted to text my opinion!

It will take some intentional acts on my part to get back in the world. I’ve mooned around long enough. I’m even annoying myself with my grumpiness. It’s time to re-engage with my gratitude journal for I have forgotten how abundantly blessed I am.  Today begins my journey back to peace.

When I was a kid and assigned a chore I detested (all of them) I griped and whined until my father would say “Aw, quit your bellyachin’.”  At a certain age I learned it was better just to stuff it, stop bitching and get on with it. That way I didn’t suffer the 1950’s version of “grounding,” which was GO. TO. YOUR. ROOM. My room offered nothing in the way of entertainment.  Even the windows were so high up on the wall that I couldn’t see outside from my bed.

Stuffing it became my way of dealing with unpleasantness and anxiety for the rest of my life.  Several times, like a worn out teddy bear, the stuffing would leak out and I’d spin into a panic attack or a doom and gloom mood that lasted a week or longer. The stuffing is coming out now.

Let me say that I am extremely fortunate, so far, to have remained virus-free.  I have friends who are suffering serious effects of coronavirus so I feel guilty bitching about how my life has changed since early March.  Nevertheless, the last 4 ½ months have affected me in ways I couldn’t imagine.

The first few weeks of social isolation were glorious days of napping, reading, painting and sewing.  I was feeling free from the pressure of “have to” meetings and volunteering. I was Zooming with extended family whom I rarely get to see — feeling blessed that these people share my DNA and are so bright, accomplished and varied in their world views.

But, now that we’ve been at this a while I can feel the anxiety bubbling up.  I’m a grand worrier. I worry things to the worst possible conclusion. At Publix I worry whether someone has touched and rejected the very avocado I am now testing for ripeness, or the person going the wrong way on the X or arrow aisle is going to breathe in my face. How about when on my walk? Is the guy running past me at excessive speed shedding sweat, drool and God knows what else into my air space?  AND, what about that damn squirrel in Colorado with bubonic plague?!  Could it be the Black Death headed east?

Michelle Obama, I totally get your “low-grade depression.”  This week I have been in the doldrums.  My casual survey of friends suggests that I’m not the only one feeling low. I think I’m facing the reality of this pandemic.  In March I thought this would be over by now and maybe we would return to normal in September.  September approacheth and I know we will be living this way for probably another year or longer.  So it’s time to quit my bellyachin’ and move on. When there are bad days I give myself permission to go with it.  Stay on the couch.  Finish the Anne Cleeves mystery.  Thumb through YouTube for silly videos.  Let John “cook.”  (Yay, UberEats.)  Or, heck, nag the grandkids to send me videos of what they are doing right this minute.  Who knew there is such a thing as apple nachos?

Though I love making masks,  I initially wasn’t keen on wearing a mask. Now I’m used to wearing a mask every time I go out and become a real bitch when I spot someone without one.  (Kinda like I was with smokers after I quit the habit.)  I have an assortment of masks hanging on the gear shift knob – for any mood .  Maybe today I don’t feel like red plaid, but the yellow polka dots call to me.  Can the Publix person see that I am smiling behind my mask?  I put on a great big grin so that my eyes scrunch up and show the smile.  I hope. Or they think I’m a maniac.

I’ve let my hair grow white. Some people don’t recognize me with the new hair and the mask.  Maybe I can get away with being a little sassier and no one will know it’s me. Hmmm, this photo has me looking pretty glum.  Michelle Obama’s depression picture was much prettier.

Just acknowledging that I feel blue makes me feel better.  I went through my camera roll and found lots of reasons to be grateful. I’ll share.

I am grateful for grandkids who can still act like silly little kids even when they are teens.

I am eternally grateful for this guy who just goes with the flow of my moods.  “Yes, dear.”

Thank God for fabric. Satisfies my sense of touch and sight.  Washing and ironing new fabric is almost more fun than the actual construction of a project.

Little projects are satisfying because I can see the finished product very quickly and that brings me joy!  The lump is an iphone stand.

The addition of two babies to the family (grand/great niece and nephew and one on the way) have made me smile more than once. This is DJ.  He lives in Jakarta with his parents.

This is Hazel.  She lives in Minnesota.

Watching the Dragon capsule return to the Gulf of Mexico entertained me for the best part of a Saturday afternoon.  We spent many years living on the coast in Indialantic, FL and never missed watching a launch.  That habit has not left me.  Even though I’m an hour west in Orlando I still run outside to look for the launch vapor trail and wait for separation. This splashdown was so spectacular and I’m happy that NASA photographer Bill Engalls caught this breathtaking moment.

Sharing anxiety sure helps. Thanks for listening.   I feel much better. You may email me your bill for services rendered.

 

Recently a friend texted me before a regularly scheduled Zoom get-together with our quilting group and said she just couldn’t join in because she was in a funk. It happened to be a day I wasn’t in a funk so my first inclination was to tell her to cheer up and get on the video call. That it would make her feel better. However, my better self (which pops up rarely these days) told her to go with her down day and just do whatever she needed to do to get through it. We all have them at random times.  Sometimes when I’m feeling low I get silly.

During this time of the Coronavirus I find myself going from perfect calm and enjoying the isolation and few demands on my time, to a day I feel so blue I just cry, or get grumpy, or want to just nap and read, nap and read. I have found that, for me, it’s okay to go with whatever I am feeling on a particular day and lean into it. Otherwise, I make myself crazy judging why I can be such a downer when I am healthy, following the distancing rules, and have a nice stockpile of toilet paper.
This cooking thing. I hate cooking. Actually, it is more the planning I don’t like. Being responsible for meal after meal. What am I in the mood for? Besides alcohol and Mexican food. My husband can fry a hard egg, but still doesn’t know which drawer the spatula is in. And it’s not even in a drawer. It’s in a pottery jar on the kitchen counter. In plain sight. Next to his tin of Oreos. Which is next to the tin of “homemade” cookies (depends on what is available in the refrigerated dough section at Publix.)
Speaking of the kitchen. Here’s what my kitchen counter looks like now.

Not pictured are the 15 lemons I need to zest to put in bottles of 100 proof vodka to make Limoncello using my friend Cynthia’s recipe. Folks, it takes 80 days in a dark place – for the vodka brew, not me – to create this wonder. Come on June.
The other night I decided to try a Pinterest recipe for One Pot Pasta con Olio. Well, it’s NOT one pot. You need a pot to cook the spaghetti, a pan to saute the 15 different herbs, several cutting boards, a mess of olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes. I have never used that ingredient before and had to send my daughter, who also has never used sun dried tomatoes, to Trader Joe’s to purchase them. She had to ask an employee where they were kept. I wasn’t even able to give her a hint about whether they came in a can, a bag, or were in the vegetable aisle. FYI, they are in the pasta aisle.
Here’s the thing about directional aisles in the grocery stores. It’s not that I don’t understand them. I know a red X means wrong way. Almost at the end of a one-way aisle I will discover that the item I needed was at the beginning of the aisle. Do I leave my cart where it is and walk backward to pick up the item? I actually did that the other day! But, here’s the genius about the one-way aisles – if you haven’t had your morning walk you can pick up quite a few Fitbit steps doing your grocery shopping if you follow the arrows. Invariably you will discover on aisle 5 that you need something else on aisle 3 (which you have already covered). To get to aisle 3 you have to return to aisle 4 and then make a sharp left onto 3. And then return to 5. It takes a little longer, but totally worth the Fitbit steps. Yesterday there was a party on my wrist (when I reach my goal and the little fireworks go off) for the first time in a month. I walked two miles outside and then went to Publix. GOAL!
Anxiety is a problem I’ve always struggled with. I can worry almost anything to the worst possible conclusion. I can only tell you that when each of our daughters took off driving a car alone for the first time I was alert for siren sounds. Now I find myself anxious about “going back to normal.” I am fearful of ever going to a movie theater again (so much good stuff on Acorn, Netflix, Prime, Apple+). I’m pretty sure we have taken our last cruise. Will we sit every other pew in church? Find a new way to pass the peace. Namaste? I like the idea of a slight bow with hands over heart. What about my carefully written end of life plan if I get this virus. No Yo Yo Ma at the side of my death bed? No one massaging my feet? Holding my hand? Thinking through the awesome eulogies they will deliver at my funer…..oops. No funeral. Some days my stomach feels like this:

Frequently I walk in Mead Botanical Garden with my friend Grace. She knows a lot about the green growing things and some of the birds. I learn a lot, but I love when we take a break from wandering and just listen…And then I ask Siri to play the cardinal song and wait for my scarlet friends to appear.

Coronavirus accomplishments – other than becoming a white-haired overweight alcoholic: making almost 200 masks to give to friends and friends of friends. My sewing table would make a good photo for a jigsaw puzzle.

John’s workshop is in much better shape. I think he cleans up after every project. A policy I have not adopted. I’m a project hopper. He came up with this clever ipad holder – because we never buy anything that can be made at home. This doubles as a weapon.

And I found this forbidden piece of equipment on the back step. No one over 70 allowed on a ladder. Since the dog didn’t drag the ladder to the back yard then I’m pretty sure I know who did. And he’s 77. Way beyond ladder climbing age.

Some people have become very productive during this time. My buddy Liz keeps faithfully blogging. Libby plays Zoom bridge. I meet virtually with my writing group on Thursday mornings. We start out with 30 minutes of chat followed by 2 hours of writing. Today our time ended with dog bed hats.

There is so much I miss. Hugging people. Going to a restaurant and being served where I sit. Unloading groceries without wiping down every Cheetos bag. Being able to sit in the Barnes & Noble café with a stack of books and magazines. My husband going out to play golf for three hours at a time. A lot.
So much I appreciate. The kindness of friends making donations to buy more mask supplies. The nearby fabric store that lets me order online and pick up the next day. The locally owned small restaurants that prepare delicious meals for me to take out (Café Linger, Outpost Neighborhood Kitchen – check them out on Facebook, Krispy Kreme.) The way I have begun engaging with the check-out people.
Appreciating young neighbors with kids offering to run errands for us – as if they didn’t have enough to do. The mail carrier who sings her way along her route. My husband vacuuming and doing dishes regularly. And bringing Vodka Tonics at 5 pm. I do clean the bathrooms, but had to buy a toilet brush for the first time in 12 years because I’m lucky enough to have a helper in Usual Times. There is even a shortage of toilet brushes which I think speaks volumes. Zooming with my kids and my extended family is a blessing. Seeing photos of my brother-in-law holding his first grandchild has brought tears. My sister Cindi would have loved being a grandmother.

To put myself in a better place I go to this chant by my friend Katrina, who does the singing. Give it a try. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyCkclDGqzM

Where is Penny Evans?

No matter the state of the New Jersey weather I walked the mile to third grade every day. Knee deep in snow or sloshing through oily marbleized puddles of spring rainwater I was expected to make this journey on foot without complaint.  If it was a good day and the timing was right, I would meet my friend Penny Evans at the crossing of the “big road” for the final block to school. We amused ourselves by choosing a rock and then attempting to kick the same rock the whole distance.  My mother hated this because it wore down the toes of my black and white saddle shoes which had to last until the next school year.

Mountain Lakes Elementary

The classroom smelled like schools did in the 1950s – old wood, chalk dust that reminded me of Milk of Magnesia, and the fusty odor of wet garments which we hung in the cloak room – a long narrow room with hooks to hang damp wool coats. The floor was lined with rubber galoshes fastened by industrial strength metal buckles which were nearly impossible to unclasp with fingers stiff from the cold.

Cloak Room

When the school day ended it truly ended.  Homework was a thing of the future waiting for me in junior high. In elementary school afterschool time and summer vacations were for making up our own activities.  Building “boy forts” (no boys allowed, but sturdy like they built) in the woods across the street.  Shooting toy bows and arrows.  Climbing and jumping from the huge granite rocks in the back yard. Riding bikes to the ice cream shop to buy a ten-cent mint chocolate chip cone – with sprinkles. It was an idyllic time with freedom to roam as long as I was home by the time the streetlights came on.

We played at life situations with Ginny dolls (before Barbies with boobs) on the soft grass in the yard.  At 8” tall, they had the body and look of a 9 or 10 year old girl, like ourselves.  They had enviably shiny and smooth hair, and bodies without  curves. “Designer clothes” could be purchased for them, however, in our frugal family, my grandmother mostly sewed the outfits for my Ginny.  Nor did I get the fancy “fashion trunk,” instead, my doll’s clothes were stored in a shoebox.

Ginny Doll

At the end of the school day I couldn’t wait to change from my school clothes and skip-run to Penny’s house. Both our families lived in two of the humblest homes in Mountain Lakes, New Jersey – a wealthy enclave of immense homes within commuting distance to New York City. Moneyed families with names like Briggs & Stratton built mansions in the heavily wooded community.  Stone pillars at the entrances to driveways were chiseled with recognizable names from business and industry.

Our modest ranch house was situated between two sizeable stone homes. Penny Evans’ family also lived in a ranch house but hers was perched on a hill. Theirs looked more imposing than ours because of its hillside location. Funny that I remember this detail.  I thought of her family as economically a step above ours because their house was up a steep driveway, a location I associated with “rich people.”

At her house books were everywhere. The disorderly family room had floor to ceiling shelves of books. Books spilled from side tables and were haphazardly stacked on the floor beside the brown corduroy recliner. The atlases and picture books and other more literary volumes reminded me of my favorite place – my Grandfather Galt’s den which was also cozy and bookshelf lined.

Mealtimes were much more fun than at my house.  Her parents, both professors, were unconcerned with enforcing proper manners. Children at the Evans’ table were encouraged to participate in debate and dialogue. I wanted to live there.

I even envied Penny’s long dark brown pigtails.  Little frizzies poked out here and there. When the light was behind her it formed an aura around her head.  My short straight hair cut in a bob with bangs, which my mother trimmed with tiny manicure scissors, was nothing like hers. Oh, how I wanted long hair!

In fourth grade our family moved away.  It took me a long time to find a friend like Penny. We wrote letters for a while, but as we moved into our pre-teens we eventually stopped writing and lost touch.  In spite of sporadic internet searches I never found Penny Evans.

I like when my mind wanders back to the mid-1950’s.  I remember life then as blissful and carefree. I take a deep breath and try to shut out the chaos of the current world and experience briefly the unsophisticated and innocent ten year old me.

I participate in a small writing group and each of us set a goal for 2020.  I’m counting on these women to hold me accountable to my goal of publishing a blog post once a month!  Random subjects, deep thoughts, shallow ramblings and travel stories.  I’m starting with a travel memory.  People often ask me when we return from a trip “What was you favorite part of the trip?”  In the moment I come up with the easy answer, then later think, “Well, that was a boring answer.”

Giving some thought to our recent trip to Norway and Scotland, I kept coming back to one particular day that wasn’t filled with rolling hills in shades of green, dramatic fjords, icy Arctic scenes with the midnight sun shining on icy islands in the North Sea.  This was a not a picture postcard day, but the memory sticks with me.

The excursion to the North Cape (Nordkapp) of Norway was described in the cruise line brochure as one of the highlights of our cruise.  We were to visit the steep cliff on the northern coast of Mageroya Island.   Anticipating dramatic views from the flat mountain plateau where we would view the Barents Sea, we bounced along in our fancy motorcoach to the northernmost point in Europe that can be accessed by car.  This is what we were looking forward to experiencing.

Skies were overcast as we left the port of Honnigsvag and the weather became increasingly gray and foggy as we headed north.  Rain began, not a torrent but enough to obscure the view of the Norwegian countryside. Enough rain that I could watch the “raindrop races” on the window for amusement because we couldn’t see farther than a few feet beyond the glass. By the time we reached  Nordkapp the weather was at Nasty Stage.  Wind gusts blew us into each other and turned umbrellas inside out.  A driving rain made the run from the coach to the tourist center a northern adventure like a scene from a disaster movie.

After warming up a bit in the tourist center we ventured outside to catch the view.  A “view” obscured by heavy fog – the plateau was located above the cloud base.  We looked for the huge metal globe that marked the best viewing spot.  Nope, nothing but gray cotton candy surrounding us.  Following close behind other tourists we did make it to the globe and fought off as many people as we could to get our picture taken in that famous spot.  If the Barents Sea was below us, we couldn’t see it.  Dramatic cliffs?  Only on the postcards in the shop.

It is a favorite memory because we made the best of something we couldn’t control.  Inside the tourist center was the BEST gift shop of the trip.  I loved wandering the aisles along with several busloads of other damp, musty smelling international tourists.  The center had educational displays and movies – we visited them all.  With hot cups of coffee in our hands we posed for pictures with trolls.

This adventure is now the one I share when asked about my favorite part of this trip, I believe it was because the pace slowed down.  The fog and mist were eery. We seemed cocooned by the fog on the top of the world. Our pace slowed down. We were relaxed and having fun and, for once, did not get back to the ship exhausted by sensory overload.  I’m thankful we were able to press “Pause” for a day.