On My Mind

PADDLING LIKE HELL

At a small dinner party very recently, a friend said to me, “You know, one day I was really struggling with an anxiety/panic attack in church and I looked over at you.  You were so calm and collected and seemed to be so in control.”  She told her husband, “I want to be like Ann.”

At that point, feeling in “safe” company, I explained that I had just been hospitalized the weekend before with what I thought was a heart attack.  Over a period of a week or so after my discharge I underwent every cardiac test ever devised (or so it seemed).  Pronounced completely clear of any cardiac problems, that left one diagnosis – my heart was fine, but I was batshit crazy.  My BP had been close to and over 200 for a couple of weeks, felt chest tightening, racing heart, massive headache.

Those symptoms, I learned, are also symptoms of an anxiety/panic attack.  My preferred “Presentation to the Public” is of a woman totally in charge, able to conquer any task I am asked to take on – and many that I volunteer for without being asked.  I’m not a particularly good delegater because I can do it better than anyone else.  Not only leading programs, but loading the dishwasher!

I have EXPECTATIONS that people will step up and devote their whole life to my project.  Expectations lead to disappointment and sends me into a frenzy of activity/stress.  I don’t let people find their own way to run something, because….um, what if it wasn’t as good, or didn’t make as much money, or meet a goal set by someone other than me?

Well, friends, that is no way to live.  I lived a self-imposed stressful life, letting go of all the creative activities I used to love. Sit down and read a book?  Are you kidding?  I should be up writing emails, reports, spreadsheets.  Work on my watercolor technique (if I can even call it that)?  Oh, no.  There’s committee work to do.  Not anymore. The resignation letters and calls were sent immediately with a huge sigh of relief.

I learned the hard way that this way of living with constant self-imposed pressure is extremely unhealthy.  In the old days, they called an episode like mine a “nervous breakdown.”  Now it’s an anxiety/panic attack, or disorder, if it goes on a while.

The anxiety spiral is really hard to break.  I can never tell when something will bring me back to my bed, curled in a ball, sobbing.  BUT, come to find out, I AM NOT the only woman in my circle of friends to go through this.  As I started telling a few people, guess what?  They have been through the same thing, or their best friend has, or a close relative.  What a relief to know that I am not a solo batshit crazy person.

Anxiety attacks can be triggered by a sudden death (my friend’s recent suicide which I conveniently stuffed into a file), or the grief for a sister who died four years ago.  FOUR years ago?  Get over it, already, I told myself.

My spiral is by no means over.  I am working with my doctors and therapist to find the right mix of meds (since blood pressure issues continually dog me, that is important to get back under control) and counseling to learn how to deal with this.  Tamp it down now.  Make it go away. Fix it.  Immediately.  That’s what I want.  It’s not what will happen.  I know this in my head, but the rest of my body isn’t there yet.

My circle of friends has drawn close and it has been the best medicine (well, maybe a little Xanax, too!).  I thank God that the right women friends have been put in my path, to surround me with support and love. I thank God that I found the right partner in marriage who, engineer-minded as he is, is doing his best to be present for me.  NOW, when he offers to do the dishes I actually say Yes, please.

I have two daughters who have opened up and told me that this issue comes up in their circles, too. I can’t imagine how many women out there are suffering with anxiety spiral and are too embarrassed to talk about it, or even consider therapy/medication.

I feel vulnerable sharing this, but I also want women to know that some of us who look so in control, who want to run every project, be over-the-top organized, and have a finger in every damn blueberry pie are, like the duck, paddling like hell underneath.

So why the serene beach photos interspersed in this blog.  Because that was the start of my healing process – a weekend at the beach with NOTHING to do.  It was a test.  I passed.  Happy ending, right?  Not quite.  I still have good days and bad days and soon I hope the bad days will dwindle.

In my first blog post I said I wish I had People.  Actually, I do have people.  They are called friends and family.

Peace to all of you.

This is a quilt design wall:

Not mine. This is mine:

A resting place for memories and reminders. Reminders that go back many years. Most of them not attended to. See the “Baby Emma” cross stitch?  It was made by my sister Cindi to be the label on a quilt for my first grandchild. Cindi is no longer with us and Emma will soon be 14. 

There’s a reminder to do exercises after my knee surgery from 4 years ago. (Well, in case it ever acts up again!)

A reminder from the church’s Marketing Team to update the Membership section on the website. Due May 1. Oops. Deadline missed. 

And the memories!  “Arts and Craps” pieces from afternoons with The Littles, a photo taken in 1985 with  my co-workers at Indialantic Elementary, my mom’s retirement photo made into a mini-quilt by my sister Sally, a photo of some Masai women taken in Kenya in 2000, ribbons won at quilt shows.  It goes on and on.

How could I possibly throw away messages of support from dear friends?

Or this cross stitch which perfectly captures my feelings on some days:

I like to make digital photo books of our travels and special family events. I have piles and baskets full of them. The grandkids love to go through them — if it’s a book about them!

But our house and our walls are the true “memory book” of my day-to-day life. That’s why I have a problem with de-cluttering. My house IS my true memory book. 

Old memories and new in one bookshelf. Ancestors and current art work. 

Cookbooks. I don’t cook but all of these have long-ago memories attached. A mug from Queen Elizabeth’s Silver Jubilee in 1977. A sweet embroidered piece from a friend when I was dealing with thyroid cancer. Snapshot of the sisters. 

What prompted this post?  I have 3 major deadlines today and this is procrastination at it’s finest. While on hold with Constant Contact I was aimlessly wandering the house (to collect steps on my Fitbit) and realized we live in a museum. A personal museum. And this museum is the memory book of our lives. John is also a curator of this museum:

His office is his to add as he pleases. Never delete. We don’t delete.  

So…to my kids — the photo books will all be yours someday to dispose of as you wish. I suspect this “living” photo book will be of no use to you. But you can take pictures of it all and save for posterity. I wish my forebears had been able to do that. 

Is your home a book of memories?

Our official part of the trip is over.  Most of the group flew home today.  The rest of us are on our own in Calgary.  For some reason I thought this was an old Wild West kind of town. I packed my plaid flannel shirt just for this day.  Guess what.  Calgary is an actual city and we ride the train and bus to prove it.  I was the only woman in a plaid shirt  clearly a tourist, though I don’t think the shirt was the only give-away.

There is a lovely island park close to our hotel with a photo opp recommended by the concierge. Canada is celebrating 150 years this year.  Could’ve bought the tshirt. Didn’t.

Park wildlife (besides us) included geese, black squirrels, and plastic hidden gophers.  My exercise today was dodging goose poop – which, by the way, is quite large considering the size of the critter.

How fun for little kids to run around the park looking for hidden gophers. Sort of the Canadian version of Hidden Mickeys.  

I have never seen a black squirrel. This one was moving fast so it was difficult to get a picture.

And there were pretty flowers, too.

Found a cute place along the river for lunch.  Yikes!  We forgot to check the posted menu before being seated.  Turned out to be pricy so John and I shared a kale pesto flatbread with poached apples, cheddar cheese and roasted walnuts.  About as filling as it sounds.  Thank God for the beer.

Note plaid shirt and Lake Louise fleece tourist jacket on me.  See the glasses of water?  $1 each. But great water.

The boys wanted to go to Fort Calgary.  Seemed like a nice day for a short train ride and walk. And walk.  And walk.  And walk.  Upon arrival I knew there was no way I could walk another step.

No Uber in Canada so we caught at bus to Calgary Tower.  Though both John and I swore we would not go out on the glass ledge, Pat double dog dared us.  We were brave to just stand there.  She outdid us by walking the entire ledge!

Once again note cowgirl outfit.

We both ended up dizzy and slightly off balance for a bit afterwards.  I mean, more off balance than usual.

Here’s another double dog dare. 

Well, maybe I DO look sort of cowgirl-ish…

Absolutely exhausted tonight and looking forward to sleeping in a little later tomorrow morning before our afternoon flight home.  But even though we are tired we have begun talking about our next trip!  We loved our tour director and if we travel again with  Tauck we would definitely find out which trips she is working.  

Can’t wait to WALK to dinner. 😏

Cowgirl out.

A

This morning we ate breakfast with Joan and her God-daughter, Mary Frances, who just graduated from high school. This trip is the young woman’s graduation gift.  She got to choose between Spain and Canada.  Clearly this Joan gets the St Joan of Godmothers’ prize. 

Our float trip depended on weather –whether it rained or not.  When we left at 9 am the skies were gray, but no rain so we suited up and hopped (eh, maybe not exactly hopped) onto the raft. 

I felt safe with Andrew handling the oars once I found out his experience included white water rafting on the Ganges River. First I said, “Ew,” but then he explained that they were rafting near the Himalayas. All I could picture was the brown Ganges you usually see in National Geographic articles.   (On second look the water in the above photo looks a little brown.)
Around the first bend we got this view of our hotel, fashioned after a Scottish castle. Banff Springs Hotel in Banff National Park.

The water was running FAST.  If the guide hadn’t purposely slowed us down for these views we would have been done in 30 minutes!

These pinnacles of sandstone and hard rock are called Hoodoos.

So…there’s a story behind these light green low shrubs.  But I can’t remember what it is.  It will come to me around midnight.

Rafting trip over, it was time for some serious shopping in the little town of Banff.  How do you like this notice:

Possibly could be mistaken for urinal also. 

Here’s a shot of downtown Banff…

…and John explaining something to me, no doubt.  What he was saying is stored away with the above mentioned Bush Story.  We happen to know that woman walking down the street.

Tonight is our last night with the whole group. A few of us are spending tomorrow in Calgary and flying home Friday.  This trip has been a dream of John’s and it certainly lived up to our expectations and even exceeded them.  We met some fun people and hope to continue corresponding with some.  John found a kindred spirit in a man who is his church’s Building & Grounds Guy, like he is.  A lot of ideas traded.  New Facebook friends!

A quick change of clothes and we were off to a Farewell Reception and Dinner here in this grand hotel.  The special guest speaker collared John for misconduct:

One last circle around the castle-like building just before sunset.  Filter applied  to this pic that was our dinner view.  

Suitcase stuffing begins.  Early call tomorrow for the drive south to exp,ore our last location.

Nite nite

A

“Sunrise wake up call” means they will keep calling your room at 5:20, 5:21, 5:22, 5:23 until you figure out how to properly answer the phone and acknowledge the call. Then they send a person to knock on the door to see if you really ARE awake. Unfortunately, this commotion also wakes up the person who does NOT want a 5:20 wake up because you can see the sunrise perfectly fine out of the window. From the bed. 

We have about 30 shots of sunrise because the light changed every minute.  Outside, John said, it was like being in an enormous cathedral.

On a walk along the lake I wanted to take some “background pictures” to use in the digital photo album I’ll make for this trip.  I like using my own rather than the stock backgrounds in Picaboo.  Samples:

And

I’d like to think I got exercise, but with stopping every few minutes for photos there wasn’t anything aerobic about this 2 mile “hike.”  Maybe dodging mud puddles counts as Jumping Jacks.  I was also working on my “selfie” skills.  My brain isn’t wired for taking photos of us that includes both people and background scenery.  This is what I got:

See my new turquoise jacket?  The color is the same as the lake, though it doesn’t show that in the picture.  One other woman on the trip also found this bargain jacket:

Took off for Lake Moraine after lunch.  Supposed to be the most gorgeous lake we would see. Shortly after Pat and John started climbing a moutain of landslide rocks, the rain began pouring down.  Since I wasn’t climbing I was able to get some ground level shots of a logjam.

It poured as we drove on to Banff.  The bus (excuse me, coach) was quiet for the hour drive, except for the sound of snoring.

So…our room here at this Scottish castle style hotel looks down on to the entrance.  The first few times I looked out the window I wondered why the horse in front of the main entrance wasn’t moving along.  Every time I looked out he was standing there. Seriously.  

Italian dinner tonight and we added vegetables to our diet — which have been seriously lacking.

These were soooo good.  One of our foursome, who asked me not to name her, (ha!)  wondered if I actually got 15 stalks because the menu said “Asparagus         15.”  This person must not eat out often enough to realize that they actually put prices on the menu. $15 not 15 asparagus.  Funny thing is, there were actually 15 asparagus in the bundles. 

John’s veggie choice:

Hot olives and grilled artichoke. 

Beddy bye time. Tomorrow a Bow River float trip — probably in the rain.  

A

That’s what we are — toast.  Seems all the days have caught up and tonight we are exhausted.  Each day is packed with beauty that is overwhelming.  Just when we think a mountain can’t get any higher, or a lake any more turquoise, we round a corner and there is an even more magnificent sight.

The Icefield Parkway was mile after mile of glacier capped mountains and surprise waterfalls.  We stopped at one particularly splendid one (Athabasca Falls) — water forcefully pouring over the rocks. What a sound!

As I sit here in our room, sipping Grand Marnier, overlooking turquoise Lake Louise I am struggling to remember the highlights of our day.  On our drive from Jasper to Lake Louise we saw some critters that slowed us down.  These shedding mountain goats stopped traffic both ways as they meandered down the Parkway.

Shortly after this pic was taken we screeched to a halt for a shiny furred black bear crossing the road.  

Look at those bags under my eyes!  I am so doggone tired!

After a stop in Lake Louise Village for essentials (in our case –  socks, wine and assorted minis from the liquor store) we wound our way up to Chateau Lake Louise. Stunning view from our room — which Tauck is good at procuring for its guests.

After dinner we took a short walk along the lake and Pat caught this photo opp

Sheesh, how could I forget the Athabasca Glacier that we walked on

John just called the front desk for a “sunrise wake up call.”  Fortunately, they don’t call if the weather is bad.  We had close to 80 degrees this afternoon but expect it to go downhill from here.  Cold, rain, and possibly snow in the forecast.  How fun will a snowy river float trip be?!

A year ago today we were floating down the Lower Danube when we turned on CNN in our cabin and learned about the Pulse shooting.  It was a weird and lonely feeling to be so disconnected from such an impactful event in our home town.  We were worried about people we knew.  And people from church.  There was no one on the boat we could talk to about it.  We were feeling so shocked and sad for the families and our town.  Now, here it is a year later and we are again far away from the remembrances. I am so proud that John was able to get the church’s bells programmed to toll 49 times at noon, along with many other churches.  We were there in our hearts.

A

Imagine our surprise when we unlocked the door of our room at Jasper Park Lodge and found this view out our back window wall:

A bonus:  we have a huge “cabin” with two bedrooms and a large living/dining/kitchen area where we could hang out with our traveling companions.  That made dealing with a rainy day much easier.  We could hang out in our living room to chat and read and choose not to go horseback riding “rain or shine.”

Walked a bit along the Lac Beauvert.  Can’t go all the way because it is elk calving season and the critters shouldn’t be disturbed. We ran into a couple from our group who were high-tailing it back toward us.  Up ahead on the trail they ran into a grizzly standing on the trail, on it’s hind legs, arms (huh, arms?) raised, facing them about 20 feet away.  Contrary to all advice given about how to react if you run into a bear (bathroom books always have that kind of advice), they ran like hell.  Didn’t even stop to get a picture. Our walk wasn’t nearly as thrilling:

And if I have to wear those pants one more day…😬

If you are on Facebook you’ve seen our little photo contest.  Choosing our best shot from our respective iPhones kept us amused for about an hour.  I have to say there was a certain amount of extreme confidence from one participant certain that their photo would the winner. As the results come in, this person is now claiming that the survey is not valid and should be redesigned.  We shall work on that. Results revealed tomorrow.

Basically today was eat, walk, nap, eat, drink, repack.  

I leave you with the final view of the evening.

Up at 6am tomorrow to head to a glacier and on to Lake Louise.

A

Here’s what’s a bonus about traveling with a company like Tauck — every day is so filled with adventures that it feels like each day is actually two.  

Yesterday in Victoria we had a free morning. Which to Ann means sleep in.  Which to John means get up and get moving. A 15 minute compromise was reached and we laid out a plan.  The morning HAD to involve a boat ride so we grabbed the “bathtub boat” from the city dock to travel to Fisherman’s Wharf.  The cute little boat looked like an illustration from an old Little Golden Book about a tiny tugboat.

A circuitous route took us across the bay.  Two runways for seaplanes run right across the water and there are only 2 places boats can cross over them.  In addition, if you are entering the harbor in a power boat or sailboat you have turn power off/ drop sails and row in so as not to create a wake on the liquid runways.

Once on Fisherman’s Wharf we walked the docks admiring the floating homes.  Most quite small, but elaborate.  With decks, porches.

And look at the cute guy guarding this house

The boat returned us to a different location in Victoria –Chinatown. Himself thought he was so funny repeatedly remarking that everything was made in China.🙄

By 1:00 we arrived at the Fairmont Empress Hotel for Tea. Pinkies out, we did our best to represent the state of Florida amidst the Victorian splendor.  The boys scoffed at the cucumber sandwiches, but at the end both tiered p,ages were pretty much empty.

Now it was time to waddle across the street to the seaplane terminal for our flight back to Vancouver.

Next stop the part of Vancouver called Gastown –perfect for a woman whose IBS is acting up after days of too rich food.

By 8:00 pm we were settled in our “room” on the train for the next 18 hours.  But first, Champagne in the reserved Tauck reserved area in the panorama car.

Passed through mountains, along racing rivers and this pyramid waterfall

 

Now we’ve arrived at our unexpected “cabin” — sharing with Lindens –on a turquoise lake in Jasper National Park.  Residing in a ginormous two bedroom cabin with large living room between.  If we don’t come home, you’ll find us here.

Why Day at Sea?  Because that’s what 18 hours on the train felt like.  A relaxing day to do nothing.  Tomorrow we have free – may be horseback riding. You’ll find out soon!

A

There are a few bucket list items I aim to check off on this trip.  One of them is to see a real moose.  Now, John claims that a far away glimpse of a moose butt in the woods somewhere years ago counts as a moose sighting.  Not to me.  I want the front side of an actual live moose.  Fearing that this might not happen I grabbed a shot of these guys in Butchart Gardens. Hopefully to be replaced later in the trip with the real deal.

Here’s a travel advisory for you if you ever visit Victoria, BC:  don’t visit the Miniature World “museum” in the Empress Hotel.  I love doll houses so broke from the group to see the miniatures.  A dark, smelly winding hallway where I walked by tiny dioramas depicting historical events.  Dusty historical events.  With the “smallest working saw mill in the world” that doesn’t actually work. Shut down by the fire department according to a sign posted..

Back to Butchart Gardens, our main event of the day.  In the rain.  Not a hard rain but steady,  I think it was to our advantage because the endless shades of green and the brightly colored flowers stood out against the gray sky.

 

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Endless photo ops.  I’ll invite you to the slide show when we get home. #GrandpaGalt

Back in Victoria, the sun came out, the sky turned blue and the wind picked up considerably. So thankful we didn’t choose to go whale watching in an oversize pool float.  We headed to an English pub with our friends, shopped for tshirts, and bought chocolate.  Separate His and Her bags.  

We have a long and confusing list of things to get ourselves ready for a big day tomorrow that requires we pack only a duffel bag for the 18 hour overnight train ride to Jasper.  We’ll take a float plane back to Vancouver tomorrow afternoon after “tea” (la-de-DA) to catch the train.  

Once we board Canada’s version of Amtrak (tour guide did not choose an appealing comparison, if you ask me) we will be unplugged.  I bought a paper back at Munro’s Book Store today — book lovers you know how excited I was to shop there!  

Back in touch from Jasper, Alberta.

A

Best waffle ever this morning.  Somehow crunchy and soft,  made with real butter and drowned in Canadian maple syrup. All carbed up like that it’s no wonder I nodded off as we drove to the Bill Reid art gallery in Vancouver.  The exhibit woke me up!  First Nation art (in the US we call them Native American) is truly fascinating and sometimes frightening to look at. But I loved this piece of carved white jade that tells the Haida Guaii version the creation story.

You can Wikipedia more if you are interested.  But you can see that the raven, attracted by a shiny white clam shell, opens the shell and the “first people” work their way out, head first and butt first.

A short visit to Stanley Park convinced me that I wouldn’t mind having my remains put on top of a mortuary totem carved with important events from my life.  If John can be in one of the urns on the church cupola then certainly I can find someone to carve me a nice mortuary totem something like this.

See the cute little child peeking out the side?

Tough decision choosing what to eat for lunch in the Granville Island market.  I thought these fiddleheads looked like they might be tasty until I read the description on the basket that explained you have to boil the toxicity out of them before eating.  Wonder who was the first person to discover THAT?

The ferry ride to Vancouver island was about one and a half hours, a twisty route through lots of small inhabited islands.  

Our traveling companions, Pat and Eric

And these two.

In Victoria we wanted beer/wine and chocolate, in that order. Found a cute place on the harbor where Pat and I let “the boys” have the view.  It was Date Night at the Milestone Restaurant so we chose a 3 course meal at a very reasonable price.  Started with

and ended with chocolate ganache torte.  Followed by an animated discussion about who’s hotel room had the best view.  Eric said they had a balcony and could see the harbor if they leaned over it and looked left.  I pouted because our room didn’t have a balcony and it wasn’t fair.  Upon returning to the room I opened the drapes for the first time and, voila, a balcony with an even better view.  No leaning required.

So fired up to see Buchart Gardens tomorrow morning, even though rain is expected.
Good night